Positive Word Power
Ilana transferred to a new high school in 10th grade. Many of the families in this school were quite wealthy. Only a few, like Ilana, attended on a scholarship and went home each night to a simple home and a simple life. While llana loved the school, she often felt that others must see her as “the poor kid.” She had nothing to offer in their conversations about summers in Israel and Manhattan clothes-shopping expeditions. She had no new electronic gizmos with which to impress anyone. She still listened to music on a CD player.
Because there were a handful of other girls like Ilana, she had a group of friends and did not feel lonely. Nevertheless, there was a girl named Tamar, from a very wealthy family, who sought Ilana’s friendship.
“I’m her chesed case,” Ilana told herself. “She wants to be the one to make friends with the poor kids, just to show how great she is. Well, I’m not going to be her project.”
All Tamar’s overtures to Ilana were rebuffed. When Tamar invited Ilana to study with her for an exam, Ilana claimed to already have a study partner. When Tamar tried to strike up a conversation, Ilana pretended to have something pressing to do. One day, Tamar asked Ilana outright, “Why are you always avoiding me? Can’t we be friends?”
“I’m not interested in being your ‘case,’ ” Ilana replied hotly. “You don’t have to prove to me how nice you are.”
The reply came down upon Tamar’s heart with crushing weight. What had she said or done to deserve this reply? It was the final thrust of a battle she was not even fighting, and yet, she was the casualty.
Fighting imaginary fights is a phenomenon that is more common than one would imagine. People tend to impute certain feelings and attitudes to others without knowing if they are real. From there, they build a case against the other person, which ultimately results in speaking to that person or treating him in a manner that reflects this undeserved hostility.
Preconceptions about others are often the basis of this kind of ona’as devarim. Just as Ilana in the above story prejudged her wealthy classmates, assuming that they felt superior to her, many people harbor stereotypes that feed the “phantom fight.” Sometimes hostility arises on the assumption that someone will deny a favor, even when the request is never actually made; or that one will be denied permission for something.
Awareness of this tendency is important for preventing the ona’as devarim it can produce. The hostile thoughts keep one’s mental temperature at a near-boil, so that the slightest added increment of anger will cause the molten emotion to overflow its container. Keeping one’s thoughts peaceful and pleasant, rather than full of ruminations about slights that have never actually happened, is an effective way to keep one’s cool.
In Other Words
If I find myself ‘picking a fight’ with someone in my thoughts, I will examine the reality of the situation and see if my hostility is based on the other person’s actual words or deeds.
Reprinted with permission from powerofspeech.org