Positive Word Power
At 10:30 p.m., just a few moments after Aviva Gross had gratefully settled into her bed for a night’s sleep, the telephone rang.
“Why do people call so late?” she complained to her husband as she grabbed the phone on her night table.
“Hello? Yes, this is Aviva,” she confirmed wearily to the voice on the other end of the line. The other woman was the class mother for Aviva’s daughter’s class. She was looking for a chaperone for tomorrow’s trip to the park.
“You can’t just call people at the last minute, and I’ve asked a million times not to be called past 10,” Aviva responded irritably. “Even if I had the time, I wouldn’t do it now,” she concluded. “Next time, call me earlier.”
The class mother on the other end of the phone mentally noted that next time she should not call Aviva Gross at all. She made a few more calls and finally, having found a willing volunteer, went to bed still smarting from Aviva’s hostile response.
Aviva, however, went to bed with a peaceful heart. If people did not want to abide by her simple request, they got what they deserved, she told herself.
Few people make hurtful remarks to be cruel. Most often, there is some rationale behind the words they speak: they are just being honest, protecting their own interests, teaching someone a necessary lesson, or responding to some provocation that the other person knew would arouse a negative response.
When someone has what he considers a valid reason to criticize another person, there is still another step to take before speaking the words. That is, to find a way to say one’s piece without hostile, angry words. This is especially true when one can pinpoint a particular person or situation that tends to provoke one’s anger. Knowing in advance that a certain situation is likely to arouse a negative response, a person can prepare a different response. He should even rehearse that response in his mind, imagining that the irritating situation has arisen, and that instead of lashing out, he responds in his new way.
For instance, if Aviva in the above story is frequently bothered by late phone calls, she can think of firm but nonconfrontational ways to convey her feeling to those who persist in calling late. “I realize that most people are still up at this time of night, but I am really serious about not getting calls after 10. This is very important to me.
When a doctor must treat a disease, he starts with the weakest appropriate medicine and only progresses to stronger medications if he sees that the weaker formula doesn’t work. This is a valid paradigm for choosing one’s words as well: the kindest, softest words that will do the job are the ones we are obligated to try first, no matter what the provocation, no matter what the rationale.
In Other Words
If I am about to speak harshly in the belief that I am justified, I will pause a moment until I can think of a kinder way to make my point.