Positive Word Power

The kids were practically climbing the walls,” Rabbi Abramson told his colleague, Rabbi Steinmetz. “You could tell in a second that it was the day before Pesach vacation. So I knew I had to do something radical to get things under control. All of a sudden, this story popped into my mind about a Pesach miracle that happened in Prague in the days of the Maharal. I just shut off the lights and started telling the story in a low voice … practically a whisper. In seconds, the room was dead silent. We ended up having one of the most productive days we’ve had all month,” the rebbi proudly concluded.

“You shouldn’t have to do tricks to get your kids under control,” Rabbi Steinmetz responded. “You’re probably too loose with them in the first place. Maybe you’re a little too desperate for them to like you. You know a rebbi isn’t a friend, he’s a rebbi.”

Instantly, Rabbi Abramson in the above story went from feeling like teacher of the year to feeling like a total incompetent. In just a few words, his colleague imparted a lack of confidence in his abilities, implied that he had a desperate need for his students’ approval and was most likely an ineffectual teacher who inspired little respect.

There are many ways to deflate another person’s pride. Sometimes a person can do this with one sarcastic comment or a needless reference to a past mistake. For instance, a teenage boy proudly proclaims,  “I passed my driver’s test!” and his friend responds, “Oh, well, I guess the third time’s the charm!” Now, instead of reveling for just a few moments in his success, the boy is thrust back in time to his two previous failures.

People who do this have various motivations. Envy may be one of them. For instance, Rabbi Steinmetz in the opening story may be envious of his colleague’s closer, friendlier relationship with his students. In the case of a sarcastic comment, the motivation may simply be an inability to pass up the chance to demonstrate one’s sharpness. One may even have a somewhat altruistic motivation, believing that by bringing up past errors, he is putting the current success into its proper perspective. Sometimes, in one’s self-absorbed state, one does not even realize that the other person is trying to share his proud moment.

In all cases, however, the comments reveal a deficit in the person making them, and that is in the ability to sincerely share another’s happiness. If someone else’s triumph is your triumph too, you would never want to dampen it, for you would only be dampening the joy for yourself as well. At the moment when someone is offering to share a taste of his success, one’s best response is to graciously take a taste and appreciate its sweetness.

In Other Words

I will try to recognize when someone is enjoying a moment of pride and actively seek to enhance, rather than deflate it.