Positive Word Power

Let’s go on the new roller coaster, The Cataclysm!” one boy suggests to the group. They are visiting an amusement park on Chol Hamoed and everyone is wildly in favor of his idea. Only David, the boy who fears heights, hangs back as they all make a dash to The Cataclysm’s long line of restless ticket-holders.

“What’s the matter, David?” one of the boys calls over his shoulder.

“Oh, you know, I don’t like going up that high,” David answers, trying to sound casual. The friends have all known each other — and each other’s quirks — for years.

“Man, you’re 14 years old already!” his friend exclaims. “It’s not even normal! You better get help.” He laughs and runs to catch up with the other boys, thinking nothing more of his comment.

David is athletic, bright, funny and a good-looking boy as well. But at this moment, he feels like a pathetic specimen who bears an indelible flaw that all can see: He’s not normal. He glances around the periphery of The Cataclysm, hoping to see one or two other young men lingering on the sidelines. All he sees are mothers with their young children. Ladies, babies and David. “Why can’t I just get over it?” he chides himself.

The term “normal” is a brick wall against which many individuals’ self-esteem has been haphazardly dashed. People dearly want to be within the realm of normal: not too tall, not too short; not too smart, not too simple; not too nice, not too selfish. Because even the most average, normal people have feelings of self-doubt, they can be extremely sensitive to comments that confirm their doubts.

The label of “not normal” comes in many forms: “You should speak to someone about that [habit, fear, problem, etc.],” “What are you doing?” “What’s wrong with you?” “How could you think such a thing?” are all phrases that deliver the same verdict: that of strangeness.

These are terms that can throw a “normal” person with “normal” insecurities into a state of distress. Imagine, then, what they can do to someone who really does suffer from emotional or social issues. There are, of course, times when one faces a situation in which he must convey to another person that the person needs help. In that case, one still has to choose his terms very carefully and refrain from causing any needless pain.

Children, in particular, are prone to teasing others who are different from them. “Retarded” and “crazy” are unfortunately often-heard childish insults. Adults can, by example and instruction, train children away from this destructive habit. Except in a clinical setting in which determinations of normalcy have a constructive purpose, there is rarely, if ever, a useful purpose in labeling someone “not normal.” Obviously, if Hashem created each individual with unique attributes and flaws, our task is to appreciate, not to deride, the distinct personalities that populate our world.

In Other Words

When another person’s actions or words strike me as outside the realm of “normal,” I will consider a) whether there is any constructive purpose to commenting upon it; b) how to phrase my comments to maintain the person’s self-worth.

Reprinted with permission from powerofspeech.org