Positive Word Power

It was 9:25 a.m. and Aaron Schwartz had not yet appeared at his office. Moshe Weiss slouched on a plush armchair, waiting for Mr. Schwartz, his lawyer, to arrive.

“I’m sure he’ll be here any second,” the secretary said soothingly. Moments later, the elevator door opened and in walked Mr. Schwartz. He strode over to Mr. Weiss and extended his hand. “I hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long,” Mr. Schwartz said breezily. “The traffic was terrible today.”

“The traffic is terrible every day,” Mr. Weiss retorted irritably. “A responsible person leaves himself enough time.” Mr. Schwartz was a sharp-minded, aggressive litigator, never afraid to ruffle feathers. But suddenly, hearing Mr. Weiss’s assessment of him, his heart sunk. Was he irresponsible? Maybe he really was.

A verbal assault may seem like nothing but hot air. In reality, however, it is a powerful acid that dissolves bits of its victim’s self-image. Even a confident person bases much of his self-image on the cues he gets from those around him. When people treat him as competent, likeable and intelligent, he incorporates that message into his picture of himself. But what others have the power to build, they have the power to destroy as well.

The closer to one’s source of self-esteem the unkind comment hits, the more damage it does. For instance, one would hardly expect a slightly built young mother’s self-esteem to be wounded by someone telling her she’s not strong enough to lift a heavy load. Physical strength is not part of her image of herself. However, if someone were to say that she did not know how to raise her children, she would be deeply hurt.

Rabbi Yisrael Salanter told the story of a poor shoemaker in Vilna whose fortunes suddenly turned. He began dressing and living in accordance with his new stature, but his old friends could not bear to see it. “Who was he to dress like that and act like that?” they murmured.

In due course, the former shoemaker’s daughter was engaged. As her proud father stood with her under the chuppah, an old “friend” approached carrying a worn-out pair of shoes. He thrust them into the former shoemaker’s face and said, “Here, can you fix these for me?”

The wealthy father-of-the-bride was suddenly jettisoned back into his old identity as a poor shoemaker. His pride in the moment at hand collapsed like a popped balloon, and he wished he could disappear into thin air to escape his embarrassment. With one simple sentence — which did not even contain any intrinsically cruel words — the “friend” had committed an act of ona’as devarim that did violence to another person’s self-image.

It is possible that, had the shoemaker been born wealthy instead, his self-image could not have been attacked on this front. However, such was not the case. His attacker knew exactly where to strike. There was nothing left for the father to do but stand there in front of all his guests, disgraced at his own simchah.

In Other Words

Before I “take someone down a few notches,” I will first imagine the expression of the father in the above story as the shoes were thrust in his face. Then, I will reassess the words I am about to speak.

Reprinted with permission from powerofspeech.org