Positive Word Power

Hey Dovid! I hear you’re looking to switch yeshivos after Pesach! Where are you planning to go?”

 Dovid bristled. The last thing in the world he wanted was for his long-thought-out decision to leave his old yeshivah to become the latest subject of the rumor mill. Inevitably, that would lead to even more gratuitous questions, opinions and suggestions. It would cause him to have to constantly be explaining himself to people who were little more than casual acquaintances. These things drove Dovid crazy. He had his reasons to keep his business private, but he also had trouble doing so without appearing rude or unfriendly.

 “It’s not up for public discussion,” he coldly replied to his questioner, a boy named Yaakov.

“Well, O.K., O.K., I’m just asking,” Yaakov said defensively.

“So don’t ask. O.K.?” Dovid retorted as he turned to walk away.

“Whoa!” Yaakov muttered to himself. “What did I do, anyway?”

People’s sense of privacy varies greatly. Some are open with much of their personal life and enjoy bouncing their ideas, goals and problems off others. On the other hand, some people feel intruded upon when others try to open a window into their personal lives. Each person has his boundary line, however, and it is a line that should be respected.

However, one does not have to wage a verbal assault to protect his boundaries. In most cases, the unwanted question is just curiosity or a conversation-filler. The questioner is not usually in a position to force the other person to disclose anything he does not wish to disclose. There is no harm done to the unwilling recipient of the question; he is simply annoyed at what he perceives as an intrusion.

Therefore, there is no need to strike back in an angry manner. If a person knows himself to be protective of his privacy, he should preemptively think of a few firm but pleasant responses to unwanted questions so that he will not stumble into ona’as devarim. He could try humor: “Sorry, it’s top secret.” Or he could be simple and direct: “That’s something I’d just rather keep to myself,” or whatever type of comment fits his personality and suits the occasion.

To the person who feels his privacy is being invaded, it may be difficult to perceive that in some cases, the questions stem from sincere care and interest. If a person gives others the benefit of the doubt on this count, he can actually come to feel a sense of warmth toward the other person. He cares about my life, a person can tell himself. With that thought in mind, he can deliver a response that is free of thorns.

In Other Words

I will develop some responses to questions that I consider too personal, and remember to use these responses when the situation arises.

Reprinted with permission from powerofspeech.org