Avi labored long and hard in yeshiva. He was a slow student, but he treasured the time he spent learning, and he had found a yeshiva that was just the right speed for him. He loved being part of the high-school Beis Medrash, and despite the challenges learning posed for him, he sat there diligently for long hours each day.

Sholom also struggled with learning throughout his childhood. Unlike Avi, however, he couldn’t stand being anything less than the class star. Eventually, he lost his desire to learn and in 10th grade, he dropped out of yeshiva. Better to quit the game, he thought, than to be the perpetual low scorer.

One Shabbos, Avi and Sholom found themselves sitting next to each other at a kiddush. Sholom overheard Avi’s friend praising him. “You know, Avi, I wish I could sit and learn like you do. You’re really great. I never saw a guy with so much focus. I think you’re the best guy in the yeshivah!”

“Anyone can be the best guy in that yeshiva,” Sholom interjected. “It’s like an eighth-grade class, just with bigger kids. Now, if you were the best guy in a great yeshiva, like my cousin is, then it’s something to talk about.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve never been the sharpest pencil in the box,” Avi concurred, his momentary sense of accomplishment now thoroughly deflated. He realized that it was probably true that in another yeshiva, he would be nothing special.

The fact that Sholom wasn’t learning anywhere at all, on any level at all, did not prevent him from passing judgment on Avi’s accomplishments. In fact, simple human psychology would indicate that Sholom’s inadequacy made it all the more likely that he would knock Avi down. The fastest and easiest way for a person to feel taller is to shrink everything around him.

Cutting remarks are often the result of this phenomenon. In areas in which a person feels inadequate, he is bound to resent the achievements of others. The brighter his friend shines, the further into the darkness he feels himself drifting. Thus, he casts a little darkness on the other person as well, reducing the contrast and the discomfort it arouses.

In reality, of course, cutting the other person down to size is no accomplishment whatsoever. It brings nothing new or good into the world. Sholom in the story would have been no more satisfied with his own failures after having insulted Avi. He would still be left with his sense of inadequacy.

The true route toward salving one’s feelings of inadequacy is to work toward real achievements. Once a person discovers the thrill of trying and succeeding, even in small, incremental steps, he will no longer feel the need to deny others their due. Rather, he will find in others’ accomplishments and efforts the inspiration to continue on his own personal path toward success.

In Other Words

If I am about to cast a shadow on someone else’s achievements, I will ask myself first what purpose my comment would serve.

Reprinted with permission from powerofspeech.org