POSITIVE WORD POWER

Zev and Noach had been business partners for nearly 20 years. Their small wholesale operation had grown into a major regional supplier of imported fabric. But now, Zev felt the time had come to wind down his career and spend more time learning. The partnership was dissolved, but there were many controversies along the way. Little by little, rancor grew between the two lifelong friends and partners, until during one particularly heated telephone discussion, Noach exploded, “What else would I expect from you? You’re the son of the world’s most famous tax evader!”

Zev countered with his own vicious attacks on Noach’s family and his wife’s expensive tastes. “Maybe if you hadn’t grown up like a pauper you’d know how to handle money,” he concluded with fury, slamming the phone and pausing to notice that his pounding heart was audible to his own ears.

Whatever complaints Zev might have had about Noach or Noach about Zev, each other’s family background was probably the least relevant, least valid of them all. People may be able to change how they act, what they think and what they do, but they can never change who they are. Their lineage, their native origins, customs and language are under the purview of Heaven alone. To criticize these factors in another person is not only a waste of effort, for there is nothing they can do about it, but it is also an attack of the most personal kind. One is not insulting what the other person has done, but rather, who the other person is.

Calling to the fore the misdeeds of someone’s ancestors or family members also inflicts deep pain on most people. If they are ashamed of their family member, one’s mention of the misdeed only fans the flames of that shame and makes one guilty of the terrible sin of embarrassing a fellow Jew. If they feel loyalty and love toward the family member, despite his guilt, they will be wounded by the comment.

Criticizing another person’s spouse is a particularly dangerous area upon which to tread. The Talmud (Bava Metzia 87a) warns that negative comments about a spouse can sow seeds of much strife. Whether the couple is just engaged or married for many years, anything that will turn a husband’s affections away from his wife, or vice versa, can only serve to upset the balance of a delicate, yet crucial relationship. No one would wish to be responsible, even indirectly, for the terrible fallout from a troubled or failed marriage.

Professional boxers and wrestlers know that there are forms of attack that are illegal under the rules of their sports. In real life, the consequences are far more serious and far reaching than those of a game, and therefore, it is all the more important to refrain from unfair attacks. Sometimes, conflict cannot be avoided, but insulting a person’s family, lineage or background is quite simply an illegal move whose only purpose is to cause pain. Such a purpose can never be justified.

In Other Words
Starting today, if I find myself about to insult someone’s ancestry or family, I will see a 'stop sign' before my eyes. This is a road I will not go down.

Reprinted with permission from powerofspeech.org