Positive Word Power

Fourteen-year-old Yaakov loved children. He also had a vivid imagination and was an expert at weaving intricate tales that could keep children spellbound for hours.

One day, his younger brother had a birthday party. Soon, there were 18 first graders dashing around his house, so rambunctious that they could not be organized into any of the games that had been prepared.

Observing the mayhem and his mother’s frayed nerves, Yaakov stepped in. “Who wants to hear the scariest story in the world?” Suddenly, the ruckus stopped and 18 little boys turned to him with unanimous glee. “Me! Me!” they shouted.

Yaakov led them into a darkened playroom, sat them down on the floor and began a riveting story that neatly climaxed just as the parents were arriving to pick up their children.

“Boy, you’ll do anything to get an audience,” Yaakov’s older brother scoffed as Yaakov emerged from the playroom. The pride Yaakov had felt at saving the day suddenly chafed against his heart. Maybe he was such a loser that he needed a bunch of little kids around him to make him feel big.

The older brother’s words were clearly ona’as devarim, possibly brought about by feelings of rivalry or guilt that he, himself, had not bothered to help rein in the wild children. Often, when one doubts other people’s motives for doing a good deed, it is a means of assuaging one’s own guilt for not having done similarly. For instance, if a person donates a large sum of money, one might assume he is doing it for recognition or status. If someone adopts a stricter level of Torah observance, one might infer that he is trying to appear more pious than he is.

When someone casts doubt on the person’s motives, he makes the person feel hurt and humiliated, “caught in the act” of doing something good with less than perfect altruism. The person may even abandon his good deed, a result which benefits no one.

There are certainly circumstances in life when it might be appropriate to encourage someone to examine his motives. Spouses, parents, close friends, teachers or rebbeim might face such a situation, but if their concern arises out of love for the other person and desire to help him improve, they will be extremely careful in how they approach the subject

A final caveat in ascribing ulterior motives to others is that one might be completely wrong. The person who gives a lot of money might accept honor as a way of encouraging his own children to follow in his giving ways. The person who adopts stringencies in Torah observance may sincerely hope that these practices will lead him to a higher spiritual level.

A good way to avoid denigrating other people’s motivations is to ask oneself, Why do I care? Truly, there are very few reasons why someone’s positive actions should be attacked. On the other hand, recognizing their efforts and encouraging them to keep moving forward can only lead to good.

In Other Words

If I find myself doubting someone’s motivation in doing something good, I will think instead, “He’s doing a good thing, and it will only lead to good.”

Reprinted with permission from powerofspeech.org