Positive Word Power

Walk down the health and beauty aisle of your local department store. Arrayed on the shelves are hundreds of products, each promising to make the user look, feel and smell attractive. Move along to the cosmetics counter, and you’ll find out, if you don’t already know, that an ounce of lipstick, a small cake of eye shadow or a tiny vial of makeup foundation can cost as much as lunch for two at your local kosher restaurant.

One might believe that only women are willing to spend top dollar to look their best. That theory falls apart, however, when one checks the racks of the average suit shop and finds a vast selection of European imports featuring the latest cuts and fabrics. Then there are the hats, the shoes, the shirts; a man might easily spend on one new set of Yom Tov clothing what a poor family would spend on two week’s worth of groceries.

But these points are not meant to illustrate that people are vain or materialistic. They are meant to prove that to most people, the image they project is vitally important. It is so important that they are willing to spend large amounts of money to maintain their appearance. Even people who spend far-greater amounts supporting Torah and giving to tzedakah, even those who clearly have correct priorities, put great stock in how they appear to others.

For some people, the concern goes beyond the normal desire to project a positive image, all the way to an unhealthy sense of insecurity. Such a person is certain beyond a doubt that everyone notices her big nose or his bald spot or some other feature that is, in reality, nothing remarkable.

Because people are so sensitive in this area, one must exercise extra care in any statement made about someone’s appearance. To criticize someone’s facial features or physical stature can be devastating to the person, especially since those are aspects of the person that he cannot change. Even insulting someone’s clothing — and thereby insulting his taste or budget — can cut deeply into his self-esteem. Such comments definitely fall within the definition of ona’as devarim.

The damage, however, goes beyond insult to the person. The Gemara (Taanis 20b) explains that if one calls another person “ugly,” one is actually criticizing Hashem, the Designer of that person’s features. While some types of features may be more pleasing or less pleasing to individual tastes, none are deserving of reproach, since Hashem created them all.

The old saying, “a face only a mother could love,” is instructive here. Because of the love a mother feels for her child, she sees the beauty in him. Hashem invested each facet of His creation with its own beauty, and when we extend our love toward others, that beauty becomes apparent to our eyes.

In Other Words

When I see someone who strikes me at first as unattractive, I will look for something appealing about him or her.

Reprinted with permission from powerofspeech.org