Positive Word Power

“I’m a bum,” the boy told his little brother. “I got kicked out of yeshivah, I smoke and I curse. If I were you, I’d stay away from me.”

In fact, only a few months before, the boy had been in yeshivah. He was far from a star student, but he came to class. His language was indeed occasionally coarse, but that was not so unusual among his group of friends. It had been a quick descent from those days to the dismal present.

What initiated his descent? It was a conversation with the school’s new dean, who had overheard the boy discussing a rebbi with his friend. The language the boy was using burned in the dean’s ears. He could not let such behavior go unnoticed.

“Look at you!” the dean scolded, an expression of disgust on his face. “You talk like a bum off the streets! You’re heading straight down the tubes. You’d better shape up if you want to keep your seat in this yeshivah!”

 The truth was, the boy didn’t want his seat. Learning was too hard. Sitting still for so many hours drove him crazy. He never would amount to anything, he was now sure, because he didn’t have it in him to shape up. He might as well just be the bum he was destined to be. Stop fighting it and let it happen.

No doubt, the dean thought he was motivating the boy to make a radical change in his ways. His tough talk was calculated to let the boy know that his infraction was serious and his behavior would not be tolerated. Instead, the rebuke knocked the last vestige of self-esteem out of the boy.

An all-out tongue-lashing might seem like an appropriate tool in some cases. However, one can never achieve something positive if one does not leave the other person with his dignity intact. If he only absorbs the message that he is worthless, he will see as futile any effort to improve. The only path from that point is downward.

If one really wishes to awaken someone to the error of his ways and inspire him to improve, it is essential to build that person’s sense of dignity. This was the strategy of Aaron HaKohen, who would befriend a sinner knowing that the sinner would think, If Aaron HaKohen thinks so much of me, how can I keep committing this sin? The act was no longer befitting the person, once he identified himself as someone of dignity and importance.

In disciplining others, criticizing them or teaching them, whether they are employees, students or our own children, one must approach not with a chain saw, but with delicate pruning shears. The goal is not to destroy, but to cut back that which is unproductive in order to channel all the person’s energy into healthy, purposeful growth.

In Other Words

If I must criticize or correct someone, I will make sure to always leave him with the feeling that he is respected and valued.

Reprinted with permission from powerofspeech.org