Positive Word Power

As Tzippora lay in bed reviewing the evening’s events, she found that her heart was still beating hard. The anguish aroused by the latest battle with her daughter was slow to fade. How had she gotten caught up in such a pitched battle? How had it devolved into screaming and recriminations? She thought back to the early part of the evening, when her daughter Dina had just come home from school.

She hadn’t greeted her mother. She just dropped her books in the corner near the front door and threw her coat over the back of a living-room chair.

“Can’t you say hello?” Tzippora had demanded.

“I had a bad day,” Dina had responded. “I’m going up to my room. Don’t make me supper. I’ll take my own later.”

“And leave me a sink full of dishes? Uh-uh, Dina. You come eat with everyone else, please.”

Her daughter had turned on her with eyes that seemed cold and wild. “Stop it! Stop trying to run my life! Leave me alone!” she screamed at her mother, as if she were some evil stranger intruding into her life. Tzippora felt her adrenalin rushing through her veins. Such ingratitude from her own child!

“You little fool!” she cried. “Who do you think you are? You’re an angry, difficult, immature little fool and some day you’re going to be sorry for how you treat people!”

Dina hadn’t emerged from her room since then. Tzippora quaked at the thought of what her troubled daughter might do next. Why had she let loose as she did, adding kerosene to the fire?

Since no one really wants to be unhappy, one would think that everyone would avoid hurtful words as much as possible. One would think that people would analyze the situations that lead them into conflict, and realize that the battle often begins with a harsh criticism or a cruel label. The victim defends himself using the same weapon, and soon, so much pain has been inflicted on both sides that forgiveness is all but impossible.

Why, then, do people set foot on that path? The answer is impulsiveness; the yetzer hara functions best when people react before they think about the long-term consequences. As long as their only goal is the momentary satisfaction of a little revenge, of a sharp word aimed precisely at the person with whom they are angry, ona’as devarim seems to make perfect sense.

But if one takes just a few moments to consider how important relationships are to a person’s happiness, one would hold his fire and seek another way to deal with the irritation of the moment. A person who realizes that his angry impulses will always lead him in the wrong direction learns to turn a deaf ear to what those impulses are telling him.

In Other Words

Think about someone with whom you often fall into conflict. Review the usual way in which the situation unfolds and rehearse other options you can exercise the next time the situation arises.

Reprinted with permission from powerofspeech.org