Positive Word Power

The Mendelson family had a quirky sense of humor. They loved to tease one another and were masterful mimics who could quickly capture other people’s mannerisms and speech patterns or simply launch into characters they had created themselves. These “routines” and family jokes wove their way into their conversations whenever the whole family got together.

One day, the oldest sister, Rena, became engaged. Her chassan was planning to spend Shabbos with her family, and Rena was filled with panic.

“Not ONE JOKE about him!” she instructed her siblings. “NOTHING! Not a tease, not a comment. His family has a completely different sense of humor and he’s definitely not going to realize you’re not insulting him, believe me!”

“What do you mean, Rena? Is he the type of guy who can’t take a joke?” her younger brother asked incredulously. It seemed impossible that such a person could be joining their family.

Humor, like ice cream, is in many ways a matter of taste and sensibilities. What is marvelously satisfying to one person can be repugnant to another. Beyond questions of taste, however, humor has great potential to create pain and ill will. The funny, clever comments that cannot help but pop into some people’s minds can, when allowed to emerge from their mouths, greatly humiliate the person who is the subject of the comment.

This is especially so when such a comment is made in front of others. In a private venue, the victim might be able to defend himself or express his displeasure at the comment, but in public, with a whole group of people laughing and smiling at the witticism, the victim is defenseless. To admit to being hurt would only add to his humiliation, marking him as someone who is oversensitive or lacks a sense of humor.

Nevertheless, for many people, keeping a clever comment locked inside their mind is a challenge of major proportions. They may enjoy the admiration of their audience, or, in a misguided yet altruistic vein, they may feel they are bringing joy and laughter to everyone around them. Regardless of whether the speaker intends to hurt the victim, his sharp wit at the other person’s expense is pure ona’as devarim.

Humor carries with it another possibility of ona’as devarim as well; that is the pain one causes to others by letting them know that their joke or story was not funny. Covering up one’s negative response with a fake laugh is not usually a good strategy, because a fake laugh is as obvious as the blunt words, “That’s not funny.”

How, then, can one deal with a person who persistently tells jokes that one finds dull or offensive? The best way to deal with such a situation is honestly but delicately trying to inform the other person of one’s taste in humor without implying criticism or insult.

In Other Words

If I am someone others consider quick witted, I will make an attempt to slow down and examine my comments before I speak, honestly assessing the possible damage.

Reprinted with permission from powerofspeech.org