Positive Word Power

Dov didn’t know what had hit him. He was having what seemed to be a normal conversation with his wife, Leah, when all of a sudden she became furious at him. Her eyes filled with tears and she stalked out of the room saying, “If that’s what you think of me, I don’t need to stay here and listen to any more.”

And there he stood, alone in the living room. He re-ran the conversation again.

 Dov: Today was such an unproductive day. Everything I was working on got stalled for one reason or another.

Leah: That must have been frustrating. I had a similar kind of day. Every time I started something, the baby got cranky and needed me to hold him. I got pretty much nothing done.

Dov: Well, yeah. What else is new?

 Leah: Oh, really? That’s what you think? How can a husband be so ungrateful?

Meanwhile, in the corner of the kitchen to which she had retreated, Leah rehearsed the grievous wound. Her husband apparently thought she accomplished nothing all day. Imagine that! Who did he think kept the whole house running?

Dov thought he had communicated sympathy to his wife, recognizing that she often had to deal with the kind of frustration he had only encountered sporadically. Leah, on the other hand, thought he was criticizing her as an ineffectual, do-nothing housewife.

Miscommunication or misinterpretation of someone’s words is often at the heart of an argument, and often supplies the motivation for ona’as devarim. The person who mistakenly believes he has been insulted responds with a return insult, thus inflicting pain on someone who didn’t even know there was a dispute.

There are several ways to avoid going to war over a mistaken understanding of someone else’s words. First of all, we have to listen to each other carefully. Often, people begin framing their responses to other people’s words before the other person has a chance to finish what he is saying. In that case, the listener is not really listening. He is thinking his own thoughts. He is therefore bound to misunderstand.

The second point is to become familiar with people’s styles of speech. Some speak bluntly or gruffly, but their intent is not to offend. It is simply the way they express themselves.

And finally, one should always clarify the other person’s intentions. Ask, in a calm, conversational tone, if they mean what you think they mean.

Through these three methods, a person will avoid jumping to a mistaken conclusion and acting upon it. In the course of listening, thinking and clarifying, even if the words were somewhat offensive, the listener’s anger will probably lose some steam and the end result will be a calmer, more reasonable response.

In  Other Words

The next time I feel someone has insulted me, I will think carefully about what was said and whether it could be interpreted in an inoffensive way.  

Reprinted with permission from powerofspeech.org