Positive Word Power

Then tickle in Yaakov’s throat grew more and more pronounced with each passing minute. Where was his water? Why was his son so slow in bringing it to him? Didn’t he realize how painful it was for his father to cough after his surgery?

Yaakov could hear his son’s voice. He was speaking to someone who had come to the front door — perhaps a delivery man or a neighbor. How could he just stand there and schmooze when his father was suffering such torment? A few minutes later, Yaakov’s son finally arrived by his father’s bedside bearing a tall glass of ice water.

“What were you doing down there for so long?” Yaakov asked irritably. “If you knew how it hurts me every time I cough, you wouldn’t be standing at the door schmoozing with the neighbors.”

The son understood his father’s irritability. Yaakov was an active, take-charge person who was obviously finding it miserable to be forced to lie in bed and wait for others to help him. Nevertheless, his father’s ill temper made the job of caring for him into a thankless task. The son had come from out of town to help out for these few days, motivated by nothing more than love and a desire to help. His father’s constant complaining, while not unexpected, still hurt.

There is just a microsecond between losing one’s cool and speaking ona’as devarim. Slamming on the verbal brakes just at that moment takes focus, awareness and self-control. None of these are readily available to someone who is not feeling well. When a person is in pain or drained of energy from illness or lack of sleep, his emotional defenses are weakened. Everything is an annoyance: noise, bright light, being too warm, being too cold, a long wait. All the person really longs for is to rest, and everything else simply stands in the way.

Despite all that, the Torah provides no special dispensation for cruel, hurtful words spoken by someone who is ill or exhausted. Therefore, this situation can present a difficult ona’as devarim challenge for some individuals. While there are those “perfect patients” who have a smile, a joke and a good word for every visitor, doctor and nurse, there are also many people who find the situation untenable. In their state of vulnerability, they take to bossing people around and complaining bitterly when things are not done to their satisfaction.

The first result of such attacks is the infliction of pain upon people who are trying to help. To avoid that possibility, a person needs to recognize the help being given to him. As he looks at those who come to keep him company, those who treat him and those who care for him, he would do well to realize that much is being done for him even if it is not perfect. This good should not be rewarded with remonstrations and disapproval. If, instead, one learns to strengthen his patience and appreciation, it will be an asset for him even when he is in the best of health.

In Other Words

When I am exhausted or ill, I will be especially attentive to the manner in which I speak to people.

Reprinted with permission from powerofspeech.org